The 5 stages

Hi Everyone,

I posted this note on Facebook back on April 30th and received an such an amazing response from all my friends, family and loved ones. Please forgive the typos and I am sure I should fix them, but I wanted to write kind of a follow up to this post on our blog. So if you have already read this post from April 30 skip below for the follow up.

I think many of us have read the post about what not to say to a military spouse and I am pretty sure this one made the list. I recently had someone say this to me (and I am sure there was no ill intent) and it really has stuck with me and actually made me kind of angry (not at the person).
I don't think of myself as overly sensitive or thin skinned but maybe being pregnant and sleep deprived has something to do with it.

Yes, I am admitting that I am a complete mess and trying to somehow navigate and survive this deployment. yes, I know we decided to have 4 children and it causes more stress. Yes, I am admitting that I am angry that my husband in the past 22 months has been physically on island for 10 months and commonly worked 12-14 hour days when he was home and therefore didn't see his children for days at a time. Yes, I am admitting that it sucks to have friends come and go all the time. Yes, I am admitting that I am angry to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and any other holiday without my husband. And watch my friends and neighbors do the same. Yes, I am admitting I hate having to carry around a POA to conduct daily task because as a spouse I am second class citizen in the military world. Yes, I am angry to know how much of my husband is missing out on by serving his country. Yes, I am angry my 5 year old is thinking about if I die will his Daddy be here to care for him and that's only if he doesn't get killed by the bad guy. Which I may add we don't talk about the war and all that entails but he knows his Daddy has to carry weapon when he leaves us for Afghanistan.

Yes, I knew this what we signed up for and it's the reason why I cried my eyes out at his commissioning as I heard him pledge his life to his country and the Marine Corps. I knew our life as young married college couple was over and we wouldn't have the ability to choose where we lived for the next 10 years. I knew my life would be in constant change and that I would have to say good bye to people all the time. I knew it was going to be a hard life.

So when I say I am lonely, frustrated and need a break it doesn't mean I didn't know what I was getting into. I would never say it to a friend who was struggling while her husband is away on a 2 week business trip once or a twice a year that my plight is more then yours or you knew what you were getting into or you knew that trip was coming up. I would say time away is hard no matter what length or situation. The days are long and hard and sometimes feel never ending.

So when I cry because I am lonely and exhausted, don't think that I don't love our life we have chosen. We are where God wants us and it doesn't mean that it's a newly paved road without any bumps. Instead know I am proud to be a Marines wife, a mother, and friend but I'm just having a hard time.

So even if you think "you knew what you were getting into" think twice and think about how you are hurting someone who is already hurting.

June 22, 2011

I was recently thinking about this post and how hard this deployment has been for me. I have in a way been going through the 5 stages of grief:

1.Denial or Isolation

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

I know that I have not lost Jaron to death and that I am so thankful for as I hear news that the 1/12 Marines here in Hawaii have yet suffered another fallen Marine this past week. But I have lost Jaron for yet another solid 7 months of our lives together. I have emails and phone calls, but it is not the same as being present with one another on a daily basis to teach the kids life lessons and to share in joy together. Okay I kinda got side tracked.

Stage1: Denial or isolation

So leading up to the deployment I really wasn't very anxious and I thought it was do more to the fact I have been there done that and know what to expect, so why get all bent out of shape about it. I think in retrospect it was more just the fact I was kinda in denial that we were going to loss get another 7 months of our life together. I have been very isolated this deployment in compared to last time. Yes, I have been busy with my photography business and keeping the kids going, but I felt isolated or made myself isolated in some ways by feeling like its just to much work to hang out with someone or make plans or whatever it may be that is holding back.

Stage 2: Anger

Clearly, I was very angry back on April 30th when I wrote that note. I just felt so angry that I am having to live this next 7 months without Jaron and that he is missing our life that we have together. He is missing the kids grow and change. He is missing all the laughter and life lessons I am having to teach on my own. I was just plain angry and hurting. No way around it.

Stage 3/4: Bargaining and Depression

I am not sure how these have played in exactly or have been intertwined with 1 or 2, but I have felt like God just get me through this day and I promise I wont be angry. The depression part for me I think is feeling lonely and misunderstood. I wish I could describe all this better, but I don't think that I can fully put it into words.

Stage 5: Acceptance

I feel that I gotten to the stage of acceptance in the fact that we still have another 3 months go in this deployment and that it is possible Jaron may miss the birth of our precious baby girl by a days. I have accepted that I am must keep it together and make sure to continue teaching life lessons to the kids on my own with email guidance from Jaron. I must put one foot in front of the other and do my best even if I fail. I must get up everyday and try to make sure that our kids feel loved and secure. I must accept that my life as a military wife isn't an easy road, but I am not alone.

So many do the same thing I am doing with much grace and strength and I admire it.

I must be thankful for the life we have whether we are together or thousands of miles apart. I have been given a loving husband and great provider.

Now that I feel like I have reached acceptance it doesn't mean that I won't slip back to anger or any of the other stages. It doesn't mean that I have mastered all my deployment anxiety. It just means I am trying to move forward the best I know how. I am so fortunate to have so many people around me how have been so patient with me as I have been a complete mess this deployment. I have cried publicly, yelled at the commissary staff, and haven't been a nice Mommy at times.

But yet my friends have given me hugs, the commissary staff was nice to me when I wasn't nice to them, and my children somehow continue to tell me I am wonderful and the best Mom ever.

I would like to close with a quote from Elijah early on in the deployment when I my first meltdown the kids encountered:

"Mom, you really need Dad to take care of us because you can't do this alone"

I couldn't have said it better. :)